(en) i still miss you
It’s been 3 months. That’s a whole season. Seeing the lights in your room stay unlit at nights is starting to feel normal. Of course it is–you aren’t there. But I still wish you were.
I watched a video of yours today. The one where you spoke in English to the camera; the one for your English class assignment. I did not catch what you were talking about at all. I was too busy seeing you move and make voices. You looked so real and alive. But if so then where are you now?
My hands have forgotten how it feels to rub your head. What was your hair like…? I’m not sure anymore. I no longer remember how it feels to have the joints of my toes cracked. You loved doing that, don’t you? Suddenly coming to my room and forcefully pulling my fingers and all that. I always told you to stop it. Did it hurt me? Or did it actually not hurt at all and I just wanted you to stop messing with other people’s fingers? I’m not sure anymore.
I know I have a pea-sized brain and I forget things quickly. I know that someday I’ll even forget how your voice sounds like. I’ve been your brother your whole life… a whole 19 years… and yet it doesn’t feel like I even have 5 years worth of memories about you.
Why did you have to take interest in being a director? All those videos you take, all those movies you shoot, and yet you’re barely in them. Always the one behind the camera. I wish we had more videos of you. That way I don’t have to remember you. Because I don’t want to remember you. You’re supposed to be here with me in the present. Not in the past.