(en) i miss you
I miss you.
I’ve been home all week but I didn’t get to see you once.
Didn’t get to ruffle your hair like I sometimes do when I’m bored.
Didn’t get to hear the voice of you singing your songs from upstairs.
I failed you.
I didn’t keep you at home.
I didn’t lend you my legs.
I didn’t give you my time.
You struggled so hard.
Despite of all the pain you were in.
You were more alive than any of us.
Now time has stopped for you.
But you’ll always live on inside of me.
And I’ll find a way to live on without you.
That day was devastating. I didn’t know I was even capable of feeling that much sadness. But after crying so much this past week, now I’m able to think of you without running water down my cheeks (though I still get teary-eyed). I guess time eventually heals all wounds. But if I had control of time itself, no doubt I will turn it back and return to the days when you were here. Then I’ll get to do something different. Do all the things I didn’t. Give you all the things you didn’t have.
I’m sorry for being the worst brother in the history of brothers ever.
It’s been 3 months. That’s a whole season. Seeing the lights in your room stay unlit at nights is starting to feel normal. Of course it is–you aren’t there. But I still wish you were.
I watched a video of yours today. The one where you spoke in English to the camera; the one for your English class assignment. I did not catch what you were talking about at all. I was too busy seeing you move and make voices. You looked so real and alive. But if so then where are you now?
My hands have forgotten how it feels to rub your head. What was your hair like…? I’m not sure anymore. I no longer remember how it feels to have the joints of my toes cracked. You loved doing that, don’t you? Suddenly coming to my room and forcefully pulling my fingers and all that. I always told you to stop it. Did it hurt me? Or did it actually not hurt at all and I just wanted you to stop messing with other people’s fingers? I’m not sure anymore.
I know I have a pea-sized brain and I forget things quickly. I know that someday I’ll even forget how your voice sounds like. I’ve been your brother your whole life… a whole 19 years… and yet it doesn’t feel like I even have 5 years worth of memories about you.
Why did you have to take interest in being a director? All those videos you take, all those movies you shoot, and yet you’re barely in them. Always the one behind the camera. I wish we had more videos of you. That way I don’t have to remember you. Because I don’t want to remember you. You’re supposed to be here with me in the present.