(en) Looking Forward to Tomorrow (in a bad way) (for nothing)
I realized that recently I stopped worrying about tomorrow. I feel like not too long ago, I dreaded the coming of the next daybreak because of my unfinished thesis, or unwritten research report, or uncertain finances. Because of it, I kept myself up until late, and sleep at 2 AM at the earliest. I held the notion that tomorrow will somehow hurt me, so I didn’t want to sleep and accelerate its arrival.
Now that I’ve finished my research report, my thesis, and got a job, I’ve regained peace. Tomorrow can come as soon as it wants to. Actually, it’s welcome come even faster–every tomorrow brings me closer to pay day, after all. So, yeah, I don’t sleep so late anymore. Sometimes I hit the hay as early as 10 PM. The only things that keep me awake so late nowadays are video games and my hobby projects. Well, it’s always been either of those two before too–but this time, it’s on my terms. I’m doing it because I want to, not because I want to delay the calendar.
But the past week has been a constant series of early sleeps and that fact has brought me new sense of dread.
I don’t feel like playing games. I don’t feel like working on my hobby projects. With nothing to do after work hours, I just sleep my hours away. Same thing happened in the last weekend, just on a larger scale since I have nothing to do–nothing I want to do–in the daytime either.
I don’t feel mentally satisfied since I stopped consuming my favorite form of art (video games). I’m not learning anything new because I’m not doing my hobby projects. I’m stagnating. But why? That’s the problem. I don’t know why. Normally, I’m okay with wasting my hours away doing nothing and sleeping it all off… if it’s on my terms. But this time it’s not. I want to do something with my time! And I know what I can do, but why can’t I muster the urge to? These things aren’t chores. These things are stuff I’m supposed to enjoy! What’s going on?
There’s no funny punchline nor insightful message (as if there ever any) in this post. I’m writing this so that I can feel like I’ve done something tonight. And it’s still 9:08 PM. If only I knew how to draw…